Had a look around where the keys always hang always (a.k.a. the key hook).\u00a0 No they definitely weren\u2019t there.\u00a0 Checked to see if they had fallen off the hook and that meant sifting through my toolbox which was gravitationally below the keyhook.\u00a0 No, still no sign:\u00a0 Raised my level of concern to Some Concern.<\/em><\/p>\n Had a look downstairs.\u00a0 Perhaps I had taken them downstairs and put them on my bed-side table or other surface when I was tidying-up last night.\u00a0 Had a good look round downstairs, but still no keys.\u00a0 Concern level:\u00a0 Problematic.<\/em><\/p>\n Earlier, I\u2019d put the washing on with all the clothes that I\u2019ve been wearing over the last week, and obviously I\u2019d checked every pocket and orifice of each item before thrusting it into the washing machine, so I really didn\u2019t think the keys could have got in there.\u00a0 Besides, there was no graunching noises coming from the machine so I didn\u2019t suspect that any more.\u00a0 But where else to look?\u00a0 I had to think about everywhere I might have been in the last 48 hours since the keys were last used.<\/p>\n Went and visited everywhere in the house I\u2019d been in the last 48 hours.\u00a0 Started to look PROPERLY in all the places I\u2019d looked before \u2013 you know like taking the trouble to move things around a bit and lifting things up and looking beneath and doing the kind of searching that only women can normally do.\u00a0 I looked everywhere, and there was still no sign.\u00a0 This was one hour into the search & so I was forced to raise my level of concern to F-ing ridiculous.<\/em><\/p>\n I had to take stock of the situation.\u00a0 I was already at women-strength searching, and I was beginning to move furniture; take all the bedding off; shake all the covers off the sofas; look down all the gaps in the floorboards;\u00a0 chip-out the mortar in the brickwork etc etc.<\/p>\n I decided to recheck everywhere I\u2019d searched everywhere again so far.\u00a0 That always works whenever you\u2019ve got a girlfriend who asks: \u201cDo you want me to have look for you?\u201d, but you don\u2019t want to give-in just yet.\u00a0\u00a0 Except that I haven\u2019t got a girlfriend to hand at the moment, although I did think about ringing Ilka because she would probably suggest somewhere I hadn\u2019t looked ever in my life.\u00a0 \u201cHave you looked down the back of the giraffe?\u201d, she would probably say.\u00a0 And without there ever being a giraffe in my life ever, there the lost item would be.\u00a0 Such is the wonder of good-looking girls.<\/p>\n But with no such giraffe, or any sign of the keys, I was forced to raise my concern level to critical.<\/em><\/p>\n At such a level, there are not many more options available.\u00a0 One is forced to take stock of the situation and think about damage limitation.\u00a0 I mean, without keys my only means of transport is my bike \u2013 or an illegal drive in the toolshed of course \u2013 both would be impractical in the long term.\u00a0\u00a0 I thought about how I could get a set of high-tech Mercedes keys engineered or replaced in this part of the world.\u00a0 I mean, it would be difficult and very expensive for me to organise a Mercedes hit-squad to come out (or even find!)\u00a0 my house in the country.\u00a0 I think the nearest dealer is easily an 80km round-trip, and then they would have to have specialist equipment these days to \u201chack\u201d the code and then re-program a new set of keys.\u00a0 I could just imagine them saying: \u201cNo you must buy a Peugeot van \u2013 je suis d\u00e9sol\u00e9e!\u201d.<\/p>\n But as always with these things, I resorted to logic to solve the problem.\u00a0 It was clear that nothing had left these premises since Sunday, so the keys MUST be in the vicinity of the house and so it was simply a matter of \u2026 erm hermetically sealing the house or similar to find the keys?\u00a0\u00a0 I started by doing a spring-clean of the house, and then I checked through all the rubbish bags and then I checked through all the recycling and then I checked through all the kitchen waste, and then I checked through all the sawdust and offcuts of wood that I\u2019ve been throwing in a big bucket.\u00a0 Still nothing.\u00a0 What? no reward for all my F-ing LOGIC !!!<\/p>\n You can imagine my calm at this stage.\u00a0 My early start to the day had been ruined by TWO HOURS of fruitless searching.\u00a0 I had to upgrade my suspension of disbelief to:\u00a0 this cannot be happening to me!<\/em>\u00a0 So much for seize the day \u2026 more like seize the bloody throat Aaaaaarrrggghhhhhhh!<\/p>\n Of course I checked and rechecked all my pockets and every single item of clothing I could have possibly worn since Saturday.\u00a0 I also tried dropping the toolshed van keys from different vantage points in the house and garden and barns to see if they bounced into areas as yet unexplored, but no.\u00a0 Without any sign of the keys I then got onto a blaming phase of the crisis and tried to blame impossible 3rd<\/sup> parties.\u00a0 Unusually for me, there was no wife, girlfriend, friend or children to blame for hiding the keys somewhere, so I had to resort to animals.\u00a0 The magpies were top of my list for a while, but then I suspected that it could be some sort of post-mortem revenge of the rats \u2013 that\u2019s just the sort of thing I could imagine them doing in their last breath as they disappeared down their rathole to die with a shiny set of keys between their teeth!\u00a0 Bastards!<\/p>\n Oh this is getting silly.\u00a0 I\u2019ll just have to go next door and look in the yellow pages and phone for a Mercedes technician (a.k.a. Mechanic) and get my life back in order again.\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019ll have to bite the bullet and pay for a new set of keys, and swap (what is in effect) 10 minutes of Orange Mobile international call charges for some true mobility once more.<\/p>\n On my way to next door, I glanced in the toolshed van and there \u2026..\u00a0 there \u2026.. were the Ludwig Van Keys \u2026. Sitting on the passenger seat as if nothing had happened.\u00a0\u00a0 How the fuck did they get there? ????\u00a0\u00a0 At last I can get this day started as originally planned 2 hours ago.<\/p>\n You see, that\u2019s what comes of saying \u201cWhite rabbits\u201d at the beginning of a month. \u00a0\u00a0Have I had a very lucky morning, or a very unlucky one?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What would have happened if I had driven first thing in the morning\u2026\u00a0 philosophers, please discuss.<\/p>\n Unphilosophically I can of course tell you what happened when I drove off in Ludwig.\u00a0 I went to St Cere and bought some white wall tiles and some hinges for the kitchen units and some bolts.\u00a0 Then I went to L\u2019\u00c9clerc and bought enough food for me & Paul for a week. . . . well ish.<\/p>\n Spent the afternoon and evening on the kitchen worktops.\u00a0 I wanted to get enough done so that they can be used now without any further fiddling while Paul is over here.\u00a0 I think I accomplished that.<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.splunge.co.uk\/richnilk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/09\/diary19_Page_6_Image_0001.jpg\" "\\"diary19_Page_6_Image_0001\\"")
<\/a>I\u2019m not entirely happy with my cabinet-making efforts in the kitchen as it happens. I\u2019m still having some problems with the poor quality French wood \u2013 it\u2019s prone to warping and being cut at the wrong length and being the wrong colour or grain and coming from the wrong tree and just generally being appalling.\u00a0\u00a0 As a craftsman I was thinking of blaming my tools for the disappointing outcome of my kitchen construction. Instead I think I\u2019ll just blame the wood, and perhaps those bloody white rabbits again.<\/p>\n