Here, in no particular order, are the titles of all the books that should be written:-
- An Inadvertant Coffee
- The Cake Finisher
- The Cooker is Always Right
- Swearing Advisable!
- Swearing Optional (the sequel)
- Swearing Obligatory (the 2nd sequel)
- Respect for Walnuts
- Too Old to Juggle
- Mostly Imaginary Horses
- Appointment with a Morris Dancer
- Erring Towards Sanity
- You can’t sit on madness
- This category does not apply
- The Ambitious Erection
- Don’t Stand on the Jam
- A Bus Full of Lost Monks
- Unusually Normal
- Waiting for Cohesion
- Culprits to a degree
- Never sell a clock at twenty-past four
- Wires that you’ve always wanted
- Consistently One Out
- Agreeing too soon
- The size of Two Cushions
- A sheep for all seasons
- Three Balloons in a Basket
- The Art of Re-giggling
- The Inherited Cat
- Inappropriately Adequate
- Inappropriately Apt (the sequel)
- Creatively Immoral
- Sitting in the Trouser Press of Life
- Rain in the Right Order
- The Misplaced Chaffinch
- The Malfunctioning Eggcup
- Plunging with Pleasure
- To Find a Tree
- The Invisible Postman
- Ducks we Didn’t Feed
- Peas don’t work
- Snogging a Strawberry
- The Competitive Buddhist
- My Mutual Benefit
- Somewhere in a Van
- Books we’re never going to write
- More books we’re never going to write (the sequel)
- The Universe is Full of People
- You Can’t Do Anything Without a Verb
- Anything Doesn’t Fit
- Just Remember You’re a Badger
- A World Without Walnuts
- Jokes You Have to Explain
- Legless Flamenco
- The Legless Flamingo
- A Passion for Pudding
- Invisible People Without Appetite
- Chasing Imaginery Goldfish
- You Can’t Go Wrong with Nearly
- The Low-Visibility Dog
- Down the Road from Everywhere
- The Anarchist’s Rulebook
- The Book with no Title
- The Invisible Opposites
- Things that can happen to Frogs
- You can’t have Patience Forever
- One-word Brilliance
- A Long Way to Go for a Sheep
- I Posted Some Postcards Tomorrow
- In a Muddle of Tenses
- The Opposite of Alliteration
- Don’t let a Maggot put you off your Password
- Relatives with Dirty Fingernails
- Even Tall People Have Showers
- Preventitive Stupidity
- Planning Impromptu Events
- Delayed Spontaneity
- Shoe Anecdotes
- Utensil Intensive
- Honesty with Good Intentions
- From Doom to Destiny
- Incisive Buffoonary
- Slouching with Dignity
- Inter-country Injuries
- The Loveliest Feet in the Terrace
- Vaguely Ambidextrus
- Not Existing Forever
- Honesty Postponed
- Kiss me Where your Face Fits
- Petulance in a Pool
- Making Crumbs on Purpose
- Pianos Vary in Size
- Innappropriately Balanced
- When Now Becomes Then
- A noun you can’t buy
- Working Towards Wonderful
- Sometimes you Need to Mop Twice
- Ears that need Finding
- Forgetting about things that don’t exist
- Sentences that have never been said
- Echoes of Chuckling
- Neglecting My Basil
- Things that can’t be invented
- High-quality forgetfulness
- Interview with an ice-cream
- The scone pronouncers
- Pre-emptive repetition
- The Same Age, but Younger
- Autobiography of the unborn
- Pre-emptive autobiography
- The Strings of a Balaleika
- The Plight of the Plummeting Poet
- Legs are for Mortals
- Always is never true
- Afraid of Gravity
- Waiting for twitches
- The Self-conscious Twitcher
- The vaguesness of British plumbing
- Tongue & chi
- Tai-cheek
- Waiting for Colour
- Cutting without Concept
- The problem with trying to forget things
- A jar full of glow-worms
- Ethically Disgusting
- Wiser on Boxing Day
- Twittering Doubts
- Distracted by Parsnips
- Life with a Libran
- Life with a Librarian (the sequel)
- Ceasing to be unprovable
- Only Gods get things straight.
- Rules for Spontaneous Games
- Clever use of tissues
- Knowledgable Stupidity
- 100,000 ways to be specific
- The cul-de-sac of Christ
- Obviously Inexplicable. (or Clearly Mysterious)
- The Audacity of the Blind Penguin
- Trousers I have Cherished
- Tricking a one-legged Canary
- Neither rules nor exceptions
- Being nonchalent about gravity
- Diversionary tactics for moths
- Do not depend wholly on your height
- Insulting the Weather
- Things as important as toes
- If we ever lose the sugar
Phew! Now we’ve got to get round to designing the book covers
